Depressed With Fulltime Rving and How I Overcame It!

I remember the long road ahead. Miles it seemed as I peered out the window, trying to muster a smile, but could not. What is wrong with me I would ask myself over and over. I wiped a tear trying to steal itself down my cheek, hoping my husband would not see the state my heart was in. All I saw was desolation, emptiness, loneliness and so far away from home. Yet, we were starting an amazing adventure only a few would dare to try, and here I was depressed and scared, not knowing why I was reacting this way. But I knew I could not live like this.

I had hopes, dreams, desires of traveling when my husband retired. I would count down the days until we could leave and accomplish our dreams. I felt like it would be perfection, the best that could ever happen to us and I could finally, finally, finally spend time with my hard working husband. But when that time came, and it came quickly, was I ready, eager and able to just leave and dare to dream our deepest desires of fulltime rv travel?

NO.

The depression came swift and suddenly, unexpected, and not a welcome guest. How could this be and why?

I would ask myself why many times as I would hide my face from my husband. I did not want him to see me with a downward face, screaming inside to go back to our old house, welcome the kids back and start living like we used to.

But it would not be that way.

Sometimes we need comfort, maybe a type of comfort that we can relate to, like a comfy couch, a favorite place to visit, a relaxed room in our home that we feel peaceful in, and I was not finding that type of comfort. I wanted to so badly, to embrace this travel adventure many people drool over, wishing it was them and not me that could dare to dream of traveling without any worries or fears.

I would not let myself feel comfortable, but feel numb, no feelings and did not care what would or could happen to me as we traveled to many unknown places. I would sit numbly in my seat, waiting to get to our next destination, not really eager to see, but eager to get done and get out from sitting so long. And it does get tiring feeling depressed and ever so lonely, even with my faithful husband by my side.

But for one day.

Just a typical day of life: getting up in the morning, exercising, having breakfast and a time of Bible reading. I was reading my Bible often as I had the time to do it, but this day was different. It was an unusually clear, but not crisp morning, with blue skies above and plenty of green as far as my eyes could see. I sat in my chair, overlooking hills before me with a tree to provide ample shade, a drink at my disposal and my trusty Bible. I had a crying fit the day before and I really wanted to have a day where I did not cry or get mad at something or someone, like my husband. Perusing through my Bible, a scripture seemed to jump off the page and into my watery eyes: “Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight,” Proverbs 3:5-6.

I know it may sound simple and easy, but really, it is not. I did not overcome my depression magically the moment I read those scripture verses, although it would have been nice. But I would say over time, lots of time, and accepting the reality of what traveling truly is: scary, adventurous, fearful, anxiety ridden, exciting. I think I had a hard time of accepting the change of living and traveling in a RV is and that could have led me on the road to depression. But I also tend to put my hopes, dreams and desires on something I think would be beneficial for me, like traveling with my husband, carefree and silly willy, without really thinking and praying about it.

Not to say traveling and living in an RV was horrendous or anything worse, but it was definitely trying and has a learning curve. It is not like living in a home where your home stays but you go and then return to your home. Living and traveling in a RV, yes, you can leave the RV and then come back to it, but your RV will travel at some point, unless you live in it at a site fulltime. Weather is not kind to an RV!

Thinking about that day traveling on the road, some years ago, I realize how much has changed since then. How much I have changed and not desiring to change, but indeed I did. You are never too old to change and sometimes change can be good. It was like I had one foot in the past and one foot in the present and I could not get the two to meet. For me, if I could not move forward and accept change, then why did I choose to travel and live in an RV fulltime? Feeling stuck in depression was incredibly hard, but once I started to accept change, accept the choices we made, I could see the sunshine blowing the black clouds away, ever so gently, but away for now with both of my feet in the present.

But will the depression come back? Yes, I struggle often, so I might not overcome it, but I can accept who I am and where I am at in this point of my life. I am a work in progress and thankful for a wonderful and loving husband who understood what I was going through, for the traveling adventures we had (some of them were really a lot of fun!) and the beauty I saw in the various states we visited. Amazing places out there!

What are your thoughts on change and have you experienced depression as a result?